Finland is a beautiful country, full of beautiful people. Unfortunately, over the years certain people have had their minds filled with lies. Undoubtedly, this misinformation comes from a specific group of miscreants...
Shrouded in mystery, most of the world thinks of them as the stereotypical Finnish native, pictured below.
In the United States we are taught that the women are blonde haired, either long haired like the Wish-dot-com version of Princess Buttercup, or short, with the punk-rock flair of a 12 year old boy.
The men, we are taught, are identical to the women, but with a moustache. (The above photo is actually of the King and Queen of Finland, at least according to mainstream media.)
Of course, this is all a not-so-clever ruse. Created by their masters to hide their true nature, these near-albino frauds are built around an intricate inside joke.
True Finns, and their personalities, as you may have heard, can be quite dark and negative. Think about it. "Dark and negative"? Hardly what you would think looking at the royal couple above! Now you've got it.
Even their national bird, the penguin, follows the rules. A little white, a little black, a little drunk. (Pictured below: A queue waiting in 24 hours of daylight to see their favorite band: Nightwish).
See, in Finland, nothing is as albino as it seems. The entire country, from the elegant penguin, to the pickled cod, are a balance of light and dark, black and white. The country itself goes through periods of 24 hour sunlight, and also 24 hours of darkness.
Most true Fins only come out in darkness, as "Heavy is in their blood". This is what they look like in person:
As you can see, Finland is a magical place. Where A Handmaid's Tale meets GWAR, guns are mandatory, and the umlaut is endangered, having been overused for centuries.
Finland: Come for the bikini team, stay for the blood-letting.
-The Panic Agency, 2021. All rights reserved.